Tech Support Calls
A woman called the Canon help desk to solve a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a
good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
Tech Support: "OK, Bob, press the Control and Escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
Customer: "So that will get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
Tech Support: "All right ... now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows-because of the icons. I'm a Protestant,
and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to-"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'industry terms.' I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well ... why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet. Is
'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship
and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
Mouse Pad
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly, sir. We've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
Computer One Liners
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it because he needed to keep it.
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
I work for a local ISP. Frequently, we receive phone calls that go something like this:
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet."
The Top 18 Signs You're Addicted to the Internet
18. Any campground without a T1 line is OFF your vacation itinerary.
17. Wife calls you to dinner by posting to alt.food.
16. I.V. stand next to your mini tower.
15. Choice between paying Compuserve bill and paying for kids education is easy -- if a little painful for your kids.
14. Your big pickup line is, "Haven't we met on alt.top5.addict?"
13. Batteries in the TV remote now last for months.
12. You send in your Top Five List submissions while in the air over Oregon.
11. You hire a housekeeper for your home page.
10. New mail alarm on your palmtop annoys other churchgoers.
9. Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.
8. AT&T names you Customer of the Month for the third consecutive time.
7. Your idea of socializing is sucking up to Chris White for the number one spot.
6. You unsuccessfully try to download a pizza from www.dominos.com.
5. Your family conducts an intervention via e-mail and checks you into www.bettyford.com.
4. You rig your toilet to alert you if you receive any new mail while you're "offline."
3. You speak in a monotone voice and call your wife "Friday." (Oops! That's a Sign You're Addicted to Dragnet!)
2. You're surprised to learn there's also a 2 o'clock in the *afternoon*.
and the Number 1 Sign You're Addicted to the Internet...
1. You're reading THIS, aren't you?
You Know You're Too Serious About Computers...
- If you did an error-free installation of Windows 95.
- When your modem starts smoking.
- If no one can reach you by phone since your computer is always online.
- If you log-off your system because it's time to go to work.
- If you call in sick because you found a great new WWW site.
- If you can type your top 10 favorite Web sites, by heart.
- If you can locate a particular home page without using a search engine.
- If you can write your own html page.
- If you can access more than 20 erotic no-pay sites.
- If you download more than 20Mb of from a binary newsgroup, in one session.
- If while reading a magazine, you look for the Zoom icon for a better look at a photograph.
- You comment, while watching a sunset, that the image would be enhanced with 10% more magenta and a higher resolution.
- If while driving down the street, you are confused by the numbers on the houses - they do not appear to be legitimate WWW addresses.
- When someone tells you to remember something, and you look for File/Save command.
- When you discover there is no little car icon with a forward arrow on the dashboard of your car, to make it go.
- When you think the File/Kill command should apply to your system administrator.
- When you find it easier to dial-up the National Weather Service Weather/your_town/now.html than to simply look out the window.
- When you start using phrases like: Hungry.must-eat.food.now@home
- If you have a heart attack when you forgot to pay your phone bill and receive a "pending disconnection of service" notice.
- When you order most of what you buy... online.
- If your fingers quit moving because you've been online for 36 hours.
- When you find yourself engaged to someone you've never actually met; except through e-mail.
- When you log-off from a session in your favorite newsgroup... and your log reads: Online time: 56 hours 24 minutes.
- If your net provider suggests you try a competitor, because you're exceeding 300 hours a month, connect time.
- When you add your third modem and dedicated phone line.
- You access Microsoft's Web page every Sunday morning for Brother Bill's sermon.
- When that 112Gb hard drive is full.
- If 133 Mhz is simply too slow.
- When your desk collapses under the weight of your computer peripherals.
- If you have an "online" light installed on your car to tell you when the engine is running.
- When you discover that in order to drive your car somewhere, you do not enter an http:// or ftp:// address.
- If you can actually talk to the computers in your new car - and understand what they say.
- When you modify the programming of your car's computers and actually get better mileage.
- When you can access the Net - via your portable and cellular phone.
- If on the way home from work, you use your portable and cellular phone in your car, to reprogram a Tomahawk missile, in flight, and redirect it to take out the joker in the Cadillac who cut you off.
- If you try to press Alt-F4 to close your car window.
- When you put a CD-ROM in your car's player.
- When someone tells you about a great new program and you're very disappointed to find it's on TV.
- If every sentence you utter begins with, "On the Net..."
- If you put your e-mail address in the upper left-hand corner of envelopes.
- If you have your e-mail address printed on your stationary.
- When you insist on seeing the movie "The Net" - for the 63rd time.
- If magazines like "InternetWorld" are of greater interest than "Playboy" or "Playgirl".
- If you maintain more than 6 e-mail addresses.
- If you use more than 20 passwords.
- If you set up your own Web page.
- If you set up a Web page for each of your kids... and your pets.
- If, instead of a phone number, you ask someone for their e-mail address.
- If you don't know anyone who DOESN'T have an e-mail addresses.
- If, to you, 'safe sex' means doing it online.
- If you convince your mom that she HAS to get online because e-mail is so much cheaper than long distance phone charges.
- If you can write a list like this.
- If you can relate to a list like this.
You Know You've Been On The Computer Too Long...
- When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
- When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
- When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
- When your wife says "If you don't turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the "else" clause.
- You try to sleep, and think sleep(8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours /
- When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.
- When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialling an IP number...
- When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.
- When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
- When you look for a icon to double-click to open your be droom window.
- When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
- When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.