Little Old Lady
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much.
They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was doing it because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now when I pass gas...although still silent...it stinks terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.
Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?" He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."
"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl."
The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names."
At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?" The doctor answered that her name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?" The doctor answered, "Denephew".
Telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room service.
Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
Room Service:: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Room Service: "Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
Room Service: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine"
Room Service: "Hokay. An San tos?"
Room Service: "San tos. July San tos?"
Guest: "I don't think so"
Room Service: "No? Judo one toes??"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one
Room Service: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping
Guest: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
Room Service: "We bother?"
Guest: "No..just put the bother on the side."
Room Service: "Wad?"
Guest: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
Room Service: "Copy?"
Room Service: "Copy...tea...mill?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
Room Service: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease
baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
Guest: "Whatever you say"
Room Service: "Tendjewberrymud"
Guest: "You're welcome"
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye.
Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
A Woman Goes....
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "Thats a 6 foot graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".
She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman "passes gas". At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
Three friends die in a car accident, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say.......LOOK,HE'S MOVING!!!!!!!!!!!!
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replied "I work for the IRS."
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience could be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for day after day...
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
The Volunteer Firemen
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.
Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm
had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"
Did you hear about the unemployed jester. He was nobody's fool.
A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can't get it open. Just then another man flies by him, going UP. The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes? The man replies, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?
The nurse next door has changed her name to Appendix. She's hoping one of the surgeons will take her out.
Another Fire Story
During a recent ecumenical gathering, someone rushed in and shouted, "The building is on Fire!!"
The Methodists gathered in a corner and prayed.
The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"
The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door that fire is evil.
The Roman Catholics passed a collection plate to cover the damage.
The Jews painted symbols on the doors so the fire would pass over.
The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself!"
The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It is the vengeance of God!"
The Christian Scientists agreed among themselves that there was no fire.
The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.
The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson who was to form a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.
The janitor put the fire out and went back to work.
Father and Son Chat
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration. Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?" No! There's no one called Alf here." Dad hangs up. "That's irritation," he says.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf a second time. "No -- there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police." Dad hangs up and says "That's aggravation."
"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time: "Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?"
At the Movies
A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theatre. As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said,
"That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners? Where did you come from?" The man looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"
God Knows All
A man died and went to heaven. He had only one thing on his mind. He wanted to ask God, face to face, some questions that he had his whole
life. Now, as the time for asking approached, his excitement grew. As he stood before the Almighty, God said, "Ask your questions, my son!"
"God, why did you make women so beautiful?" he asked.
"Ah, my son, that is simple. So you would be attracted to them" came the reply.
The man hesitated a moment and asked the other question that had been troubling him. "Well, then why did you make them so stupid?"
"So they would be attracted to YOU!"
Same Old Thing
An American, a Mexican, and a Pole were friends who had worked together in high-rise construction for years and always had lunch together. One day up on the 14th floor of a project the American opened his lunch and said, "Ham &
cheese again!? I've eaten ham & cheese for 10 years, every day, for lunch. I've had it; if my wife packs ham & cheese for me tomorrow, I'm jumping off this building!". The Mexican's lunch was no better - "What, another taco!? I'm so sick of tacos! If my wife makes me another taco tomorrow, I'll jump with you". The Pole opens his lunch and says, "Sausage! No way!! If I get sausage tomorrow, I'll jump with you guys."
The next day's lunch break arrives, and the American finds a ham & cheese. "Good bye sweet world!" he says as he leaps off. The Mexican finds a taco and follows the American. The Pole gets a sausage and says "Wait for meeeeeeee.", and all three plunge to their death.
A triple funeral was held a few days later. The three widows were crying and consoling each other when a co-worker of the three came up to them and explained the circumstances of their deaths. "If I'd only known he was sick of ham & cheese, I'd have made something different!" wailed the American widow. "Me too!!" cried the Mexican's wife. The Pole's wife just sat there with a confused look on her face and the others asked her what was the matter. "My husband always packed his own lunch" she said.
How do you get your children to take a bath???
Tell them it's practice for the pool!!
The next day how do you get them out of the pool??
Did you hear about this poor guy? He was involved in a terrible accident and his whole left side of his body fell off. It was UGLY.
But you'll be glad to know that he's all right now!!
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double.
The man thinks for a moment and then says."OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am at which time he is extremely drunk.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone up so he takes off his shoes and starts to tip toe up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets that broke and the broken glass carved
up his rear end terribly. But he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror and sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed.
The next morning his head was hurting, his rear was hurting and he was hunkering under the covers, trying to think of a good story, when
his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said, "where did you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh. You were plastered last night, so where did you go?" she inquired.
"What makes you so sure that I got drunk last night anyway?"
"Well, she replied, "My first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of bandaids stuck to the mirror!"
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror, the cops are on his tail.
His buddy says, "What are we going to do?"
The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking."
They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him "Have you been drinking?"
"Oh, no, sir," the driver replies.
"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks.
"Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."
"Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?"
"That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the Patch!"
Staking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible D.U.I. violators, a cop watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door, tripped on the curb and tried about a dozen cars before opening the door to his own and falling asleep on the front seat.
One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled him over and administered a Breathalyzer test. When the results showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him how that was possible.
"Easy," was the reply. "Tonight was my turn to be the decoy"
Smartest Man In The World
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace".
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said "Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just took off with my back pack."
Johnny Cochran Goes Duck Hunting
Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana
recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck that I just shot", he replied.
"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now its mine," replied the farmer.
Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No", replied the farmer, "I dont know, and I dont care."
"I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles", came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. Im the reason he is a free man today. And if you dont let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. Ill leave you penniless on the street."
"Well," said the farmer, "In Montana the only law we go by is the 3 kicks law."
"Never heard of it", said Johnny.
The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours".
Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough", he said.
So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet "Alright, now its my turn", said Johnny.
"Aw, forget it", said the farmer. "You can have the duck."
Painting The Porch
A fellow in a well-to-do neighborhood was painting his house, when a man approached asking if he could earn a few dollars. The fellow thought about it for a minute, and said, "Sure, take a can of this paint, go around to the back of the house, and paint my porch."
An hour later the man returned, saying he was finished.
Surprised, the fellow said, "Already?"
"Yes", the man said, "but it wasn't a Porsche, it was a Mercedes !"
The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote
the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC. "Does the
campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him.
After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam: I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the accoustics are marvelous even the normal delivery sounds can be heard.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.
I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but is surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember, this is a friendly community.
There were two church-going women gossiping in front of the store when a dusty old cowboy rode up. He tied up in front of the saloon, walked around behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse full on its rectum.
Repulsed, one of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why did you do THAT?"
To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips."
Confused, the women continued, "Does that make them feel better?"
"No, but it stops me from licking them!"
Near Death Experience
I had a near death experience that has changed me and my life forever. The other day I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness.............
the Walmart manager came and unplugged it. Thank goodness for heros.
This guy goes up to a bar...
This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy.
"This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy says.
"Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special bar".
"Why is that?", the first guy asks.
"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right?
Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies.
"Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"See, it's fun. You should try it", he says.
"Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again," and with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"Give it a try, it's a blast", he says.
"Well, it does look like fun, I'll give it a try", the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...60...70...80... 90..100 feet and splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink.
The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk"