Kids Know All About It

    These are notes that school secretaries have actually received. Some of these were in an article in the Detroit News back in the 1970s.

• "Please excuse John for being absent Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and 33."


• "Mary could not go to school because she was bothered by very close veins."


• "Ralph was absent yesterday because of a sour throat."


• "Please excuse Joey Friday. He had loose vowels."


• "Please excuse Joyce from jim today."


• "Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. He fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."


• "Karl was hit yesterday playing football. He was hurt in the growing part."


• "John was absent yesterday because he had a stomach."


• "Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor."


• "My son will have to get out of school as soon as I call the orthodontist, one of his wrie's is brusted and sticking in his Gum's."


• "Please excuse Sarah from being absent yesterday. She was sick and I had her shot."


• "My son is under the doctors care and should not take P.E. Please execute him."


• "Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust."


• "Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault."

     A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 9th-grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of beer, and two worms. "Now, class, observe the worms closely," said the teacher, as he put a worm into the water. The worm in the water floated about, happy as a worm in water could be.

    Then the teacher put the second worm into the beer. It writhed painfully and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

    "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.

    Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink beer and you won't get worms!"

    A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.

    They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

    The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick. That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

The following quotes are reportedly from the science exams of 11 year-old students. The list has made the rounds of several internet discussion lists:

• "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."


• "H2O is hot water, and C02 is cold water."


• "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"


• "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"


• "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"


• "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydorgin is gin and water."


• "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."


• "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."


• "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."


• "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."


• "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."


• "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."


• "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."


• "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."


• "The body consists of three parts--The brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five--a, e, i, o, and u."


• "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."


• "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."


• "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."


• "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."


• "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."


• "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."


• "Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."


• Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.


• Germinate: To become a naturalixed German.


• Liter: A nest of young puppies.


• Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.


• Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.


• Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.


• Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.


• Vacumm: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.


• "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."


• "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."


• "For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."


• "For fainting: rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."


• "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."


• "For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."


• "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."


• "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."


• "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."