Actual Newspaper Headlines(collected by actual journalists) Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Farmer Bill Dies in House Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Stud Tires Out Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands Eye Drops off Shelf Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in 84 War Dims Hope for Peace Deer Kill 17,000 Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing Air Head Fired Steals Clock, Faces Time Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms Include your Children when Baking Cookies Actual Signs Seen Across The Good Ol' U.S.A. At gas eterias (what?) through the nation: Eat here and get gas. At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container. In a New Hampshire jewelry store: Ears pierced while you wait. In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager. On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot. In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday. On a movie theater: Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child. In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed. In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy On a New Hampshire medical building: Martin Diabetes Professional Ass. In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home. In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center In a toy department: Five Santa Clauses -- No waiting! On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church. On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship. At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel. On a display of "I love you only" valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs. In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work. In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan. In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks. In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour! On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques. On a Pennsylvania highway: Drive carefully. Auto accidents kill most people 15 to 19. In downtown Boston: Calahan Tunnel -- No end In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here? In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends. In a New Jersey restaurant: Open 11 AM to 11 PM midnight. In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: Now serving live lobsters. On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak. On a movie marquee: Now playing: ADAM AND EVE with a cast of thousands! In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished. In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves. On a roller coaster: Watch your head. On the grounds of a public school: No tresspassing without permission. In a library: Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away. On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable. Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car. And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says "Do not throw stones at this sign."
Visitors Since May 29, 1997
