"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." "Cover me. I'm changing lanes." "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon" "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot." "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep" "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... ...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...." "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!" "The gene pool could use a little chlorine." "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian." "Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus." "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!" "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak." "Why is it that I was pregnant for nine months, in labor for two days, breast fed for six months, and all my kid can say is Da-da?" "I check my bumper, but I still can't figure out how it attracts tailgaters." "No, man and woman were NOT created equally. Give him time, He'll eventually evolve." "My wife said she had her hair teased. To me it looked like it was insulted." "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you." "Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips." "Friends don't let Friends drive Naked." "Wink, I'll do the rest!" "I took an IQ test and the results were negative." "When there's a will, I want to be in it!" "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?" "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?" "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!" "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better." "Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!" "Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!" "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear." "I brake for no apparent reason." "Give me ambiguity or give me something else." "We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse." "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot." "He who laughs last thinks slowest." "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else." "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math." "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies." "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be having fun." "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps." "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated." "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home." "3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't." "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?" "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?" "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock." "I'm not as think as you drunk I am."
Facts Of Life (These could make great bumper stickers as well.) The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Money can't buy happiness... but it sure makes misery easier to live with. Deja Moo: the feeling that you've heard this bullshit before. Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're ok... Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in laboratory rats. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. Paranoids are people too. They have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will NOT be evenly distributed. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. Supplement: A .44 Magnum beats four aces.
Visitors Since May 29, 1997
